is not our good week. i feel as though we are in limbo.
is not our good week. i feel as though we are in limbo.
if i were to be institutionalized. it's interesting how the smallest things that we are ignorant about can cause a huge chain reaction. it's also true, just because a person doesn't know any better does not excuse that person to be fully responsible for what their actions have caused. although the bigger person would have forgiven those mistakes and let the past be the past. but with a chain reaction, can that person just let it go?
his attention satisfies me in ways that i've never felt happy. for about two weeks edmund and i were in a bit of a funk. i'm slowly adjusting to my new surroundings. i've been staying at edmund's place for over a month and just by observing his family i can kind of glimpse on how edmund came to be. edmund's personality is so much like his mom but he is 3x's meaner than her. it's funny watching them together. edmund's outlook on life such as work, morale and being the provider of the family, he's very much like his dad. his parents are funny, sweet, generous, hard working and wonderful people. nothing like my parents. my parents are hard working people minus everything else, but i love my parents unconditionally.
i've been staying at edmund's house for almost three weeks now. there are days where i feel restless and then there are days where it's good. basically i'm living here day by day, playing each day by ear. wondering where this is all going. wondering if all this will pay off in the end.
to go home was something out of no where. when i say go home i mean move back with my parents. i can't deny that it is hard living on your own and i don't mind the hardship. it's just i know that living with parents for free has it's pros and cons. right now i'm in my moods where i feel that my life has hit rock bottom. i feel that i lost all connection again from people. i don't know where to begin to start on how to be content. i remember that feeling back in 2002. i remember sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to go home and as i was looking at how the light hits the pavement i felt happy and content. everything in my life was going good and i didn't even mind the relationship my mom and i had. at that time i thought i was at the height of my happiness..until i met edmund. when i thought i couldn't be any happier, edmund came into my life. as corny as it sounds and as fake as it may seem reading this, it really did happen.
what.
the mall yesterday after work. thought i should look around as to what i want to buy when i have saved up enough money. so the first store i started at was the new nordstrom that was just recently built. the mall looks marvelous! planning one day to buy me a versace sunglasses. anyway, as i browsed through the mall, they had a pianist there and he played wonderfully! if i could i would just sit and listen to him all day. the good thing about the mall is that the speakers all around the mall could hear him play so that was nice. it made me think that if and when i have a child, girl or boy, i will teach him or her how to play the piano and or pay for lessons for them. once they know how to play, i'll just ask my child to play for me while i relax. one day. that would be nice, wouldn't it?
me to the moon"
my goals that i have set for myself is so overwhelming! i want them so badly that i think negatively towards myself. thinking about them either motivates me, but then again it makes me sad because it almost feels impossible to get. also, i am the jealous type. i hate that i am, but that's what i am. the jealous type. sigh..i wish the reason that makes me self content will always be there. i know with the reason i can do anything. i would lay my life for that reason and that reason only. that reason is why i have goals and above and beyond dreams. i know i can do it. i just need that support. i need that constant support. i miss butterscotch..
is a bitch. well almost every job that most people will encounter will say they hate their job. i'm guilty of it for sure. but when i say work is a bitch, i mean it and i'll say it loud and proud. nearly all the supervisors, managers, human resource manager and the director are two face assholes. they say one thing at one point and totally disregard it the next. four out of five interviews i can say that they have lied to the interviewee's about what their job description is. when you try to fight for your right, they can easily screw you over royally and sometimes you can't tell that you're being fucked.

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