sweetroyaltea's blog

this week..

is not our good week. i feel as though we are in limbo.

what to do?

what to decide?

whatever my decision it's simply hard

to just be left alone.

God gave us free will.

i question how free is our will.

it is no surprise..

if i were to be institutionalized. it's interesting how the smallest things that we are ignorant about can cause a huge chain reaction. it's also true, just because a person doesn't know any better does not excuse that person to be fully responsible for what their actions have caused. although the bigger person would have forgiven those mistakes and let the past be the past. but with a chain reaction, can that person just let it go?

apparently not.

so i've made the mistake more than three times until i understood what was at stake with edmund. i've learned what i've done wrong. i thought we worked things out and let things be. i know better now. why so much anger still? edmund said so much it hurt and he said something that i willingly admit that it is best that we get what needs to be done and be DONE. crying and praying to God for three days straight that this can't be over yet and to give me strength if it is. this morning, after taking butter for a early morning walk, i stayed in the room i was sleeping in while staying at edmund's place. in came edmund asking for a massage and when that happens, one thing leads to another. trying to stop from anything happening, i stood firm and said that i agreed with what he said last night and that the only way we can continue this relationship is he loves only me. edmund sighed and smacked my head with a pillow and said to me,"you're here in my house. of course i love you. you just erking!"

so family and friends, do not be surprise if one day you find out that i've been institutionalize.

giving me..

his attention satisfies me in ways that i've never felt happy. for about two weeks edmund and i were in a bit of a funk. i'm slowly adjusting to my new surroundings. i've been staying at edmund's place for over a month and just by observing his family i can kind of glimpse on how edmund came to be. edmund's personality is so much like his mom but he is 3x's meaner than her. it's funny watching them together. edmund's outlook on life such as work, morale and being the provider of the family, he's very much like his dad. his parents are funny, sweet, generous, hard working and wonderful people. nothing like my parents. my parents are hard working people minus everything else, but i love my parents unconditionally.

so as i've stated, edmund and i were in a bit of a funk the past two weeks. we had a bit of an argument during the weekend and i don't know if i should feel okay or embarrassed on account that we were arguing while his mom was only ear shot away from us. feeling embarrassed because we were arguing. feeling okay because he was comfortable enough to argue out in the open as if i'm included as family. annoyingly we that night we didn't solve the issue. it got worst beginning of this week, but once he was able to calm down. we talked. it may seem ridiculous to most, but it felt good just lying in bed talking about everything and anything. even though he's been working real hard and coming home dead beat tired, he's manage to stay up and keep a conversation going. i feel real happy i am able to stay close [physically] to edmund. as long as a certain situation won't arise, we're good!

i've added new goals to my list! yeay me!!

week three.

i've been staying at edmund's house for almost three weeks now. there are days where i feel restless and then there are days where it's good. basically i'm living here day by day, playing each day by ear. wondering where this is all going. wondering if all this will pay off in the end.

i can't blog more on this. it'll just become incoherent.

deciding..

to go home was something out of no where. when i say go home i mean move back with my parents. i can't deny that it is hard living on your own and i don't mind the hardship. it's just i know that living with parents for free has it's pros and cons. right now i'm in my moods where i feel that my life has hit rock bottom. i feel that i lost all connection again from people. i don't know where to begin to start on how to be content. i remember that feeling back in 2002. i remember sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to go home and as i was looking at how the light hits the pavement i felt happy and content. everything in my life was going good and i didn't even mind the relationship my mom and i had. at that time i thought i was at the height of my happiness..until i met edmund. when i thought i couldn't be any happier, edmund came into my life. as corny as it sounds and as fake as it may seem reading this, it really did happen.

his presence i envy. i want that kind of presence to effect people and do good. i'm jealous of his way of life. he knows the value of life. i envy the way he was brought up. it's like watching the movie 'mount of monte cristo,' dantes' friend mondego was a rich kid who got everything he desired. dantes on the other hand came from a very poor family. despite their incomes their parents made, they were best friends. but behind closed doors, mondego was always jealous of dantes. everything dantes was raised upon is who he became and there wasn't much that he could obtain because his family lived in poverty. but for some reason mondego was always jealous of what dantes had. mondego would have a pony for his birthday and dantes would have a small whistle and mondego would feel jealous. that's i perceive things with edmund. because i lack the sense of value and hardship that i needed, i'm jealous that it took me more than 18 years of my life to see how spoiled i was.

thinking of things like that i can't seem to get over. i know when i have kids i will teach them better than what my parents did. not saying they didn't raise me right. it's just there are so many things that i learned from edmund that was supposed to be a parents job to teach their kids.

no matter..

what.

no matter with whom.

no matter what day.

no matter what time in the day.

no matter how many there are out there.

no matter what they can offer me.

no matter who can offer me.

only you.

it's a sure thing.

i love you.

itsumo.

strolling around..

the mall yesterday after work. thought i should look around as to what i want to buy when i have saved up enough money. so the first store i started at was the new nordstrom that was just recently built. the mall looks marvelous! planning one day to buy me a versace sunglasses. anyway, as i browsed through the mall, they had a pianist there and he played wonderfully! if i could i would just sit and listen to him all day. the good thing about the mall is that the speakers all around the mall could hear him play so that was nice. it made me think that if and when i have a child, girl or boy, i will teach him or her how to play the piano and or pay for lessons for them. once they know how to play, i'll just ask my child to play for me while i relax. one day. that would be nice, wouldn't it?

"fly..

me to the moon"

sends chills up my spine.

brings a big smile to my face.

gives me the shivers.

i love you..

all..

my goals that i have set for myself is so overwhelming! i want them so badly that i think negatively towards myself. thinking about them either motivates me, but then again it makes me sad because it almost feels impossible to get. also, i am the jealous type. i hate that i am, but that's what i am. the jealous type. sigh..i wish the reason that makes me self content will always be there. i know with the reason i can do anything. i would lay my life for that reason and that reason only. that reason is why i have goals and above and beyond dreams. i know i can do it. i just need that support. i need that constant support. i miss butterscotch..

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it's been so long since i've seen him. i miss him so very much. i don't want a different dog. i want that one. that dog. speaking of dogs! this guy i used to see. what an ass! we had one of those relationship and it stopped because he had a girlfriend and because i started hanging out with edmund. so anyway, the last time we did it, it was the beginning of 2007. and i only did it to see if he would cheat on his girlfriend. of course he did. wasn't proud of it but show what a dog he is. so anyway, we slightly kept in contact. recently we started talking a bit more. so he wants to get some again. me being in the state of mind that i have right now, i am in no condition to start that kind of relationship again. if i did. i would feel so disgusted of myself. i already told leo that it bothered me that he's still with his girlfriend but recent news is he broke up with her. still that's not a good reason to just start up the relationship to where it was. after telling him my situation, he still continues to pursue his sexual desires. claiming that we're real friends like a friend should be. you know hanging out and what not. inviting him to bbq's and just to hang out, he always refuses not to. then he has the audacity to say i'm making the uncomplicated, complicated! i can't believe him. all i wanted was to have his company around and he says i'm complicated! such a bitch ass! grrr! i'm only compelled to have those kinds of feelings and actions with edmund and only edmund. as i stated here, anyone else, i would feel disgusted.

work..

is a bitch. well almost every job that most people will encounter will say they hate their job. i'm guilty of it for sure. but when i say work is a bitch, i mean it and i'll say it loud and proud. nearly all the supervisors, managers, human resource manager and the director are two face assholes. they say one thing at one point and totally disregard it the next. four out of five interviews i can say that they have lied to the interviewee's about what their job description is. when you try to fight for your right, they can easily screw you over royally and sometimes you can't tell that you're being fucked.

one of the new girls that just got hired, called in because of a family emergency. the manager said that she needed to get a doctor's note, but she wasn't sick at all. her family emergency was her dad committed suicide. big lose right? anyway, when she came in on her scheduled date, the director of the company told her that she will be on a 30 day probation and within that 30 days she would have to prove herself that she wants to work for the company. after the 30 days have passed and she has deemed herself worthy, she can start on her 90 days probation. has someone heard of that? or at least gone through that? is that even fair or possible? i mean i know she called in sick on her first week at work, but for that kind of emergency, shouldn't they let her slide a bit?

rawr! i swear i repeat myself constantly about this, but if i didn't live on my own, i would have quit they hell hole of a job. i would take any other of my previous jobs instead of working here.