sweetroyaltea's blog

it's been..

a hell of a year so far! constant and extreme stress is the major feeling i've been experiencing since living on my own. one thing that most definitely changed is how i feel for edmund. i love him more than ever and with each passing day is a day closer to when i have to say good bye. when i do, i will look back on our time together and wonder why i haven't been with anyone since. now that i said good bye to edmund, what now? still alone with no one. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to look for someone to be with. i don't mind that i am STILL single for a while and not looking for someone to be with. it just has to happen. as of now my standards is what i get from edmund. i don't want an exact replica of edmund, but somewhere along the lines like him. someone with that mysterious side that makes me want to be a better person. someone that has an affect over me just by being real. someone that gets under my skin like edmund did. wanting someone like that scares me because i feel i won't get that same feeling. the realness of who they are. the realness of what love is. sure we have our arguments but those arguments don't become an on going situation that pops up whenever we have new problems. once we are done with the problem. it's done. it doesn't come back again. we know better than to let history repeat itself.

ah serah, serah, serah..

i need to stop with my ranting of all this. for now..life is stressful. not a bad stress, but it sometimes goes there. i'll continue with more next time.

the ending of 2007..

said goodbye as quietly as it could. as i lay here in my first partly furnished apartment, i look back upon the months. beginning of the year started off good. being a huge fan girl of matsumoto jun and his group arashi, i still love them dearly, but not as much. they still can make me scream like a fan girl, but i don't go crazy trying to find magazines, dvds, cds, pics etc like i used to. from mid year up until now, no matter how happy, stressed out, depressed, giddy, loving, scared, uneducated, bitchy, self fish, stupid and any other emotions i felt or experienced, i can't express how much i value the time i spent it. everyday was a learning experience wether i knew it or not, or if it was spent lazily doing completely nothing. most of the learning i did was about myself and how little to nothing i knew about the anything. still i have goals that i have set for myself and i'm more than determine to reach it.

since moving into my apartment, i've begin to think about so many other things. a lot is about my life and how i will achieve my goal to support myself financially. another is how lonely i feel since i moved. it's a whole different feeling of loneliness that i've ever felt before. given the fact that i'm still in my own element, oddly enough, i feel lonely. one of my roomies, christy, lives with me and she has some issues with her baby's dad. recently unattached, she feels that there are more people that she wants to be exposed to and meet. i on the other know who i want to be with for as long as i live. i know in my heart that there is no one that i find more important in the world. i put myself in a situation to meet new people, hoping to occupy myself now that my free time is more than it used to and that someone can replace that importance. but it scares me because i know no matter how open i am to new people and things, the feelings and emotions that i mentioned earlier through experience are not the same. without passion.

i don't know what to do with that feeling. i don't know how to face it. i don't know if i am facing it or if i am doing it right. if i'm avoiding it. i wake up wishing i didn't feel this way. i think about it time after time how long will it take before i can feel okay about it. still feel strongly but at the same time it won't make me feel depress.

a few pictures of my partly furnished apartment..

am i..

giving myself false hope? i know that i have fallen hard, but at this point right now, am i giving myself false hope? is there really going to be something between us? my friend asked if the relationship that edmund and i have will go to the next level. what types of levels are there? what level does she want me to seek? i know we're both doing what we need to do for our own futures and we support each other all the way. we've grown as a person throughout the months we've been together. or i'd like to think that i have.

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all this time spent i wonder if he ever gets bored of me at all. i wonder where is this all leading to. i know there are thoughts that he keeps away from me because it will hurt me. thoughts of what the future might really bring. thoughts that really make my hopes false. but i feel like i have a slim chance. don't i? it's been simply put that there is nothing more that can happen, but really is it? if i don't ask, i won't know? should i have been told? am i reading everything wrong? am i giving myself false hope? i should say,"tell me again that you don't love me."

change in personality..

is what i think edmund is going through. lately he has been highly irritating and it has been more than i can handle. last night it was uncontrollable. it was to the point where i wanted to cry because i was so frustrated with him. even this evening. he kept insisting his way when it has nothing to do with him at all. his personality is something of another kind that he has never done to me before. joan said it's one of the symptoms of brain tumor. i hope it isn't serious. i hope he checks himself soon.

lately my goddaughter mariska has been going through a lot and she has been putting her mother through hell. my friend maria is so stressed out it isn't funny. she's losing her mind over this and she might hurt someone soon. mariska's dad is no help either. all he thinks about is himself and not about mariska or how much maria is going through. their domestic relationship is putting mariska on the line and ignoring what's really important. both are self-fish and i hope they figure things out soon before it's too late.

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isn't she beautiful. she just made three years old in november. very smart. very mischievous. oh and a major drama queen! for one girl she is a hand full. right now at her age she hasn't spoken a real word. she is fully capable in understanding what we want from her, but to speak it's all jibberish. if i had the time i would seriously help maria out in taking care of her kids. but i have a job and school to do, and plus she lives to far away. i really want her to move out of makaha and us move together. as always it's easier said then done. these days it's so hard to find a babysitter. a good and decent babysitter. if we can find one, maria would be able to get a job and start getting on with her life. until then it's on hold for three more years. wasted years. 

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it's hard to set certain feelings aside. it's hard to ignore what the future might hold. knowing nothing good will come out of it is hard to act like it's nothing. it hurts actually. wanting to have this everyday is only wishful thinking. having these memories is hurtful as well. what is going on in that mind of his? i love edmund. no matter how long you keep him away from me, when we meet again, it's a sure thing that i'll always love him. i even told him that. no matter what. it's a sure thing. he's my drug. my addiction.

so much..

emotions that i keep inside. there is a person out there who i dislike with a passion. i dislike when i hear their voice, when i see this person, when this person calls and how stupid this person is whenever this person talks! this person calls almost everyday. i wish this person would stop, but it can't be helped. 

i feel good when i'm with edmund and at times i miss his sister's dog butterscotch. albino looking chihuahua. he is such a cry baby! always crying if edmund leaves and he can cry real tears! this dog needs to be in acting seriously. heh heh..anyway..at one point edmund stopped hanging out with me. well, we would see each other during the day but he would always go home at night and it was like that for weeks. now we're hanging out just like we used to. everyday! you can say that i feel confused with his behavior. i hate living for the moment with edmund. i know he cares. he's thoughtful most of the time. i'm stressed out with school right now. courses at university of phoenix pace is more advance than i thought. i'm slightly content with my job. although it's very routine what i do, but my co-workers is what keeps it enjoyable. also it's easy money and so far nobody has the tendency to talk about other people. my supervisor is awesome. one of the best i've had so far. she's fair but strict which is good. she knows her boundries. i'm in need of getting my own place, brand new car and more income. i want a cozy place of my own. if not at least one other roomie so i won't feel so lonely, but if i had my own place..heh heh. i want an audi tt roadster but still able to keep my honda. oh and i want a wii. that's all i WANT but it isn't what i NEED at this point. probably my own place, but that won't happen anytime soon. blah!

2002

i went to school and there would be some classes were i wasn't able to concentrate. when i couldn't concentrate during class i would doodle in my notebook. on one of the pages this is what i wrote..

"i miss your voice.
i miss the way you miss me.
i miss being happy.
i miss our late night talks til morning.
phone calls from 2, 3, 4, 5 even 6 in the morning.

i miss your tired whisper voice.
i miss the way you laugh,
the way you think..
the way you just grow on me."

while reading that i was surprised about how i felt that time. i forgot how insanely big of an impact edmund has on me back then. the break up i had with my first love did hurt, but hands down, it hurt a lot more from edmund. i learned that there is a huge difference between first love and real love. very big difference.

my birthday..

came and went almost as if it never exsisted. days prior to that i felt that i didn't want it to come. when my birthday came i couldn't wait for it to end. the only time i felt it was remotely okay to have my birthday was when i was with edmund. after that day, i have this sudden urge to try something new, something different. or maybe it's pathetic? it probably is pathetic. anyway, it doesn't define who i am. i know who i am.

small wish list

1.) i want a pair of puma shoes. running shoe preferably. as far as style i really don't know.

2.) i need a new laptop.

3.) i want a nintendo wii.

4.) i want someone to pay for my school tuition.

 

that's all i want/need really. then i'm set. the last request is if anyone wants to.

i am..

hoping and praying that i won't jinx my wishful thinking. if the answer is yes, i don't know what i would do. my intention isn't to trap, but to live out the responsibility. sure it will be hard for me, but the decision can't hold me down. i hope and pray really hard that the answer is yes. if my answer is no, i'll be heartbroken, but it maybe for the best. maybe a couple more years from now and maybe a different persona.

none the less, i am praying and hoping to God with all my heart.
i am also going to risk it all already. just show everything.  wish me luck!

it's already november first. i asked if we could spend this saturday together. on that day, all or most of my answers will be answered. i want to spend this saturday together. i want a nintendo wii. i need a new laptop. if i get any of those i'll be happy.

to fool around or not to fool around?

to sum up my weekend in short, i met a guy named eddie, who made me assume that all he wanted was companionship. although he wanted more, i made it clear to him that i'm not down to fool around, nor am i an easy hook up or wanting to have a one night stand. so it was verbally agreed between the two of us that it was going to be strictly platonic.  sweet guy at first, tried to kiss me but of course i backed away.  we then talked about ourselves and what kind of relationships we've gone through. so at this point i have already talked about edmund. he knows how important he is to me so it should be clear that i'm not into him in any way. that of course didn't stop him from trying to kiss me the second time, and it got him confused because i'm the first girl he has ever met that he wasn't able to fool around with. eddie tried to persuade me otherwise, but i still said no. to him that was something unheard of and foreign so he decided to go home. couple of days later he called and we talked for a bit. he wanted to know if i felt weird about what happened that night. i told him that it wasn't me who felt weird, it was him. so i asked him if he was okay because to me it wasn't the first time i've ever rejected kissing a guy. later he then asked if i wanted to watch movies with him that night. i had plans on spending time with edmund so i told him that i'll see how my schedule is like and give him an answer later. towards the end of the day eddie called and asked again if i was free or if i made plans with my friends. confused i corrected him that i wasn't going to make plans with my friends but with edmund. eddie then said,"i don't get it. you're so in love with him when he doesn't want anything to do with you but fuck you." right then and there i corrected and dismissed him for making such accusations towards someone he doesn't know and disrespecting me. the nerve of him! he may not like edmund but he does not know edmund nor the kind of relationship we have. don't make sudden judgement if you don't know the whole story.